| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2005|12:40 am] |
I don’t even just want to scream right now. There is no word for it. Is it Connecticut? The sensory? The culture I loathe but am sufficiently ignoring? I have no idea, however, I am falling away from some values in my patented cyclic elm fashion. Any romantic relationship, for me has fallen away and I don’t know my worth in another, if ever. Life, in adding to these choppy sentences (sorry), is an introversion and the specialty school for this is the east coast, the teachers, the lonely bulldog inhabitants.
Saw a particle accelerator this morning. My young, brilliant, yale-employed friend gave me the ins and outs of it, included with that is the observation of a study where a patient was yelled at by a psychiatrist after being injected with radiation and being uberconfined to a head brace and a inside positron emission tomography set-up. Bonus. I heard the psychiatrist was extra nasty to this one.
I’m having pains in my chest. Anxiety, I believe. This is compounded with general malaise and not caring fully for my health and just taking in too much…looking forward to moving away from a situation that will have me talking, and thoroughly changed for years. Decompression, hopefully, will be possible. Spring break officially has started. I, however, have a mental list of stuff to do before the mom comes on Monday. The midterm to break my head and soul is the 23rd. get over the shit, to do the deed…yes, this will is great. I travel the golden mean to find a threshold and pounce on it. Once more it shall be, and to share with friends is more than I thought possible at this junct.
On a positive note: in a few hours I will check out a job in Hartford to work every other weekend starting in a month or so. It would entail assisting in autopsies. I think it has perks. Got nominated for another scholarship, we’ll see. Oh, and found some sharpie markers that are the color of fixed tissue…very pleasing to the eye and conceptual foundation of sharing myself and views. |
|
|
| snow glow. welcome to the show. |
[Jan. 22nd, 2005|02:34 pm] |
I arrived back in CT yest. Portland was a place to be lazy and now there is no choice but to brave it all. No fear of snow has really crept into my scare bank, but i just had to go out in the beginnings of these blizzard conditions to get used to them and to get stuff done before I no longer could. 12-26 inches of snow is a wide gap...
Soon enough, this cold will leave me. I'll be less mellow, and more caffinated...more in tuned with the things I've forgotten in the past month. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2004|08:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
A most guttural feeling, just now. I have slurked (apparently not a real word) from the marshes in half-notes, even. Embryology, where I need most excellent results, shall give me something at the end of the night…in the form of an on-line grade. My sleep-lack, along with the payback of one hour and feeling the darkness and the world change, all in one day, make me vestigial. Drift through, as this is my dark ballet, on my merits, and awake. This is the time where the sensory wreckage passes and my long-term desires are made true. Yes! Will! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2004|11:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
|
|
|
| oh, no, randbot. |
[Oct. 13th, 2004|02:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  geeky | ] |
sacrificing sleep has left me deliriously in tuned...cortisol filters in but my cellular tuning-fork is fine and i can answer all my own questions at 3am, when i leave the library. these days are randomized puzzle pieces that bring me to focus as are the pictures in my head of attractions and biomolecular forces. It's not about you--it's about your cells. sometimes it's just the small stuff. remind myself to ask yoga instructor how eight limbs grapple with cellular infinity. i find myself in the pattern again and so happy for this side of the rubik's cube, or icosahedron, or the polycystic ovary. selfish drives come, then are overridden by questioning selfish drives. no questions. how long to ride out the wave... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2004|02:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  productive | ] |
ok. the cathartic grasps of sanity/insanity are getting a little hard to take. yoga five times this week helps, though. i hadn't realized what differing feelings could be realized from the instruction. the inward stretch has been a little rough and i now, once again, know that i am as self-involved as these other assholes, and it's okay. i really fight with denial on that point. 'be excellent to each other' reaches out to me but molecules in space bounce off and grate on each other at times. mind must eject computer...
absence making some cliche grow something. i miss yous. |
|
|
| the truffle called vermont. |
[Sep. 19th, 2004|04:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
i visited vermont yest and it was utterly sweet. beside being woken up by thunder, lightning and a torrential downpour at 4am sat and wondering the fate of my necessary journey out of the annals of the suburbs of NYC, it was fantastic. The rain came down in sheets as i drove for two hours, through MA into VT. My resourceful friend, Mason, took me on a trip throughout the state which included two museums (one, technically a butterfly garden and the other the vermont marble museum) and two hikes with mushroom happenings (with bounty-booty) and more waterfalls and river scenes than i can count. We spoke of the currency of life and other sparks. What a joy!! |
|
|
| memory and time |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|01:23 pm] |
|
Meditating on the nature of memory and time over my vacation was not resolved, but, is so much closer now. Lazed and not remembering much, it was all a transient wondering. Now, instead of having only classes blocked-off on a grid-like and completely incremented schedule, there is not reading along with all the other nuances that go along with the repetition required for mastery learning. It turns out that long-memory is made easier in the presence of serotonin, a happy neurotransmitter. Unlike the learning short-term, covalent, more long-term bonds must be make by a protein kinase (phosphorylating protein)to enable prolonged memory, along with repetition. Crap! There are only 168 hours in the week. This drive and other hormones, such as cortisol and epinephrine (cyclic or stress-produced) also help to enable the long-term. GO GO GO! I have internalized this and must get back on the sched now. Ta my loves. |
|
|
| butane pop |
[Sep. 11th, 2004|12:26 pm] |
|
small chance incidences really take me back as i so seldom allow myself to interact with people. an occasion just occured where i offered a young french man my cell phone to use. along with that came memories of european boyfriends, their pop culture bent, smoking and the wonderful butane perfume adjacent to zippo usage. i will not in anyway resolve my missing what i term as 'free living' and what is actually a less structured way of utilizing choice than i currenly indulge. yes, as age creeps, i value the lost as well as the learned behavior. |
|
|
| fall of ages |
[Sep. 5th, 2004|01:01 pm] |
what a wild ride...my slight, three week, vacation is over and it was just long enough. A menagerie of fun and experience is still happening. Rhode Island was a wonderful little state with the most beautiful blue-green ocean. Wet, green, humid. Cape Cod. It was nice to hang-out. Province Town was friendly and spirited but the rest was elite-laden and took a while to decompress from. Two women in a Mini can find fun where ever they are. I guarantee it.
I hit all states in the Northwest territory. My heart really does lie there, and two more years in CT will most likely cement that view. The wings are nice to have, the roots grow strong. It may stem from moving so much as a child and having very dismembered roots.
School started last week and what a lot of molecular mechanisms i can groove with. Proteins dance in my head with zinc zippers and chromosomes. perfection in youth to chaos and degradation. these speed of sound and absoute zero ideas seem to hold true in terms of hitting only on the edge of perfection, if that.
I took myself on a Saturday afternoon date to the Peabody Museum of Natural History at Yale. It was so amazing! T-rex head (it was mangled, complete but metamorphosed). good pacific northwest indiginous peoples' masks and the like (indiginous people of the world, actually). Spent much time in the Egyptian exhibit, complete with mummies. The had actual alabaster Canopic jars and a 'pillow' that looked suprisingly like a head block.
now to focus on some gnostic and scientific hocus pocus. |
|
|
| day one. |
[May. 28th, 2004|12:50 pm] |
Focus, girl. It doesn't take too much to backtrack. I'm really loving this. Currently, it's a monetary disaster, due to my folly, and, to one who should be permenently taken out of the gene pool. I shant take issue...just let me never deal with her professionally again.
School, so far, is great. Should see the cadavers Tuesday. Human 'subjects' are neat (sometimes messy), but it's the concepts I crave. Who else to have in my Queendom? |
|
|
| my everything has moved |
[May. 23rd, 2004|02:35 pm] |
it feels not like i thought it would to be at a terminal after so long. friends still exist, three-thousand-or-so miles away. new people exist here. really, being on my own (the mom left yesterday) is so much less stress. i'm not playing the old game of anticipating her thoughts or displeasures, really a game she doesn't care for anyway...because really she only wants my happiness. I did realize it after about four days in the car with her. I remember montana being really hard on me...hard on our relationship. I was snappy, and especially down on her conservative views, but, kept it inside, as i do. How could she love something that had flown so far away from where we met? she traveled so far to the other pole, as well.
so, I'm in Cheshire, CT. this quiet time is perfect to establish myself, with myself. my small amount of effects are perfect. daily self-study with yoga has begun. school starts thursday and I'm ready. I've really never had such ambition in my life. Nothing has been lost, as it's all love waiting to resurface. |
|
|
| txition |
[May. 8th, 2004|04:56 pm] |
|
So much is changing for me. So much that have given myself a little bug, but these setbacks are so small picture that the rest is exciting. I'm just keeping myself from the same old low thoughts. All is optimistically coming together. The CT apartment plans are coming together, as are the means by which i shall live, modestly. |
|
|
| the day after. |
[Apr. 25th, 2004|05:08 pm] |
My going-away bbq went swimmingly. circe_magnifica, whalecandy and igniprimum were in attendance. Thank you so much for making it wonderful and memorable. It was held at the wonderland where I'd play James Bond as a child, by myself, of course.
Today, though, I woke in a slight manic-panic. These cycles I'm trying to work through and am beginning to realize the triggers. Por exemplo, when my neurochemistry is altered, the next day I will likely feel lonely and helpless and in an existentialist torture. It's so severely lessened now. I realized I should be alone to work through it. I miss my S.O. horribly right now, but, in a week to three weeks, I will not have the luxury of seeing him and must get used to it. |
|
|
| BBQ/potluck |
[Apr. 19th, 2004|09:50 pm] |
Life is moving so fast. I am moving so soon. Thus, a
BarBQ. It will take place at my house...I live with
family...fairly cool people. It's just such a great space that
I've dreamed since childhood of having a gathering here, and now is the
time. It should consist of the random people I consider my
friends. I plan to find an establishment in which to buy a keg,
but it's slightly uncertain. I will provide some of my favorite
dishes, but I have no idea how many people will attend, so, bring a
dish too if you're set on eating a full dinner.
btw- it's in beaverton/aloha on cooper mountain. e-mail me for directions+#. elm_thatcraftygirl@yahoo.com
Hope to see you there. The move to Conn. begins May 11. Truly, em.
|
|
|
| bastercantankerous |
[Jan. 9th, 2004|11:00 pm] |
|
my life currently a snow storm, white-washed...i will wake from dream or fantasy.it will be.it will be.all for me.tending the garden.fantasy.wake up and go backward. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2003|10:53 pm] |
|
I have a definite need for isolation...and...it takes so long to resurface; but it does. When it reappears, it means that I have overstayed my welcome, or those who are perceived as vile and don't affect me are the only ones showing affection. The paradox exists already. It will go, resulting in pure mania just in time to finish gifts for those vile and affected creatures. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2003|01:17 pm] |
I am so sick of being around people right now...while they laugh at every repackaged tantrum and bit. Leave me alone to deal with my sharp wickedness before it gets you, too. Just because I'm not speaking doesn't mean I don't think you're a foolish and arrogant jackass. Jackass.
I saw the first corpse of someone my age today. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
chi_of_corpse's journal
thoughtful